From the Minister: Reflection on the theme of TRANSCENDENCE

My friend complained that her boyfriend never referred to them as “we” when speaking to his family and friends. Once, for example, they were driving to visit his sister in Los Angeles (who incidentally, but completely unrelatedly, was married to Patrick Swayze). The boyfriend called his sister from the road to report on their progress and said, “I should be there by dinner time.” Sitting right next to him in the passenger seat, my friend suddenly felt like a piece of luggage. She decided then and there that their relationship was doomed.

I had virtually the same experience a couple of years later with my boyfriend at the time and wondered if my relationship was doomed as well. It was.

I too have been caught doing the “I” syndrome dance. I’ve referred to “my” car; it actually belongs to my husband as well. “I” went to a movie, seeming to ignore the man to whom I’ve been married to for almost 10 years, and who was sitting beside me at the time. You get the point. The good news is that I usually catch myself and change easily and lovingly into “we” mode.

The “transcendence” challenge comes with the tension between “I” and “we” in relationships. It feels most acute in the early stages of a new love relationship when we’re trying to merge our needs with those of the one we love and struggling to maintain our individuality, when we perceive that it Is slipping away. It is a difficult balance to navigate.

A recent study from the University of California at Berkeley reported that couples who often use the words “we” and “our” have a happier marriage than those who use “I” and “his” or “her.” Researchers analyzed the conversations of middle-aged and older couples as they discussed conflicts in their marriages, while monitoring psychological indicators of stress and anger through heart rate and sweating.

The more the couples used “we,” the less stress they experienced, and the more they reported, in general, that they were happy. The more frequently they used “I,” the more likely it was that their discussions would deteriorate into bitter disputes. These findings suggest that problem solving and jointly overcoming obstacles tend to foster and support overall happiness. Earlier studies conducted with younger couples showed similar results.

Individuality is deeply ingrained in our culture and held as a strong value. Yet a strong sense of individuality can also suggest we must struggle hard to transcend our own needs in accommodating the needs and desire of others.

This is where religious teachings enter the picture. From east to west, religious leaders guide us in recognizing the limitations to seeing ourselves as separate and distinct beings. To transcend this perception is to reach a place of peace, Nirvana, being with the Tao, one with Christ and happy. It is to live in an interdependent web of existence.

Blessings,
Rev. Kate Walker